Sunday, February 14, 2010

Mama Drama

I am having the first of what I assume will be many "Mama Dramas". Not guilt mind you, just a moment when things are changing and as a Mom, you are not quite ready. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just one "drama", but in the span of just two weeks, I am experiencing two.

Drama 1: I have decided to stop nursing my daughter. Let me rephrase this, my body decided to stop nursing my daughter. Despite my best efforts to keep it up, my production has been decreasing steadily over the past month. It finally became clear that there was nothing I could do to stop it. I held out to the very end but, last week, there was nothing left. Even though it was obvious that this was coming. I was SO not ready. It's been a week now and as liberating as it is to not have to drag my pump around to work and such, it bugs me that somewhere deep in my subconcious, I thought this was the right decision. Obviously, the subconcious and the concious me are not on speaking terms. I miss the closeness and quiet time with my baby.

Drama 2: Matt has a few editing jobs coming his way over the course of the next few months. The money these will bring will be a big help and I'm sure, after 2 months of playing Mr. Mom full-time, he is ready for a change of pace. So on Tuesday, I will be dropping Stella off at daycare for the first tme. Daycare. Strangers taking care of my girl. Strangers! AAAaaahhhhhhhhh.

I've visited this place and met/talked with the owner several times. She has come highly recommended and is willing to be very flexible when it come to our sporatic scheduling needs. I have been perfectly fine with this decision until now.

Stella is at the age where separation anxiety is just beginning. It will absolutely break my heart to walk away from her while she is crying because a stranger has her. I plan on melting into a puddle of tears the second I get in my car.


Strangers. Watching my girl. Nope. I'm not ready for this. Not ready at all.



3 comments:

De in D.C. said...

*hugs*

The weaning came at a good time though. If Stella is going to be in daycare periodically, it will be easier to have her on formula than trying to make sure you send in enough expressed milk. The months you did breastfeed were important for her immune system, so don't sell yourself short on how long you did manage to breastfeed!

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah said...

When my milk dried up I was devastated. The kids didn't seem to care and that made it worse.

As for the daycare, it will be hard, but then Stella will get to know those people too. She will learn to love them too and it will just get easier and easier.

(Until she calls them Mom and cries when you come to pick her up and that will break your hear too.)

Mandy said...

Hugs Lori,

I give you an A+++++ for being able to nurse as long as you did...I never produced much milk at all, Cash never got full breast milk, always 1/2 and 1/2 until about 2 months when I pretty much dried up too! You did an awesome job!!!

Dropping Stella off at daycare will be much harder on you then her, (that's what my daycare lady said) and I think it's true, I cried, Cash was fine.

Hang in there! You're doing a great job and Stella will love to play with the other kids!

Mandy