Home is Where the Heart Is

It was 4am.
It was still raining.
Matt was asleep and I was awake, crying.
I was wondering when this would happen, when the realization of leaving would really hit. I knew it was close. I’ve been tearing up periodically since we made the decision to move. It just wouldn’t break lose. It’s has now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m so excited! I’m about to embark on a grand adventure. There will be new roads to get to know and new towns to explore. There will be new festivals, museums and venues to enjoy; new restaurants, pubs and dives to discover. New weather patterns, fall colors, and snow to see and learn about. We will find a new home, start a new life, make new friends and get to know all these new things together. This is the right thing for us to do at this point in our lives.

Yet, I still can’t ignore the tug at my heart. I’ve become acutely aware of how I know and love this city, this state. I drive around knowing my time here is limited. I grew up here. My childhood, my memories, friends and family all exist in this place. I know its smells, its seasons, its people, and its vibes. I know where to go to have a good time without getting caught up in the tourist traps. I know how to avoid a traffic jam and many a good place to have dinner. I know the festivals and parades, such as Guavaween, Gasparilla, The Crawfish Festival and Taste of Pinellas. I know that I’m spoiled by living 20 minutes (if that) from some of the highest rated beaches in the country and I can’t tell you the last time I went.

I know many of the things about this city that I look forward to learning about in the next and yet, I’m already beginning to deeply miss the things I love. I love being so close to the water, driving over bridges, the vibes, the smells, and the warmth. I love the storms, the lightning and thunder, the wind that comes through when one of the hurricane bands swings over us. I love the fantastic sunsets I can see just going for a walk or a quick drive. I love living so close to the stadium and spending so much time there. I love living minutes from three separate cities with all sorts of fun things to do in each. I love my friends and hanging out at our favorite bars. (Favorite meaning where we ‘landed’ that evening and it has cold beer and good food) I love living close, but not too close, to my family.

There are worries and questions too. Will we like it there? What if we don’t? What about the new job? Matt’s new job? Can we afford to live there? Is it the right place for us? What if the winters make me unbearably depressed? (I hate just plain old gray days, ICK!) I could go on – I’m trying not to think about it.

I will be leaving behind part of myself, the part that I must shed in order to move forward. I think of it as being suddenly and unexpectedly naked. It feels good, frightening, exciting, sad for the loss of comfort, somewhat chilly,and exhilaratingly free; and although I’m looking forward to the future, the change, and the excitement of it all, I can not deny this is, and may always be, home.

I will miss it. It is where my heart is.